You promised yourselves you would handle it differently next time.
Then something happens. A late reply. Another evening on the phone. A responsibility left to the same person again.
One of you raises it. The other explains. Before long, you are back in a conversation you both know too well.
You may have tried choosing your words more carefully, giving each other space or agreeing to communicate better. Yet when the hurt returns, those intentions can be difficult to hold on to.
I’m Cassandra Chiu, a Registered Counsellor with over 15 years’ experience supporting couples. In my marriage and relationship counselling practice, I help partners understand what keeps these arguments going and begin working through the moments where they get stuck.
You do not need to arrive knowing how to have a better conversation. That is something we can work on together.
Couples counselling can help with recurring arguments by identifying where conversations break down, helping each partner express and understand the concern, and addressing the actions needed outside the session.
Why does a small issue become such a big argument?
Sometimes the issue is exactly what it appears to be: someone has not kept an agreement, shared a responsibility or considered their partner’s time.
But an argument can also gather meaning from what has happened before.
A late arrival may bring back the feeling that you cannot rely on your partner. A question about spending may sound like another judgement of your decisions. An evening of distracted replies may leave you thinking, “I’ve been feeling so alone, and you still don’t see it.”
Your partner may experience that same evening differently.
In counselling, I help you explore both the immediate concern and what makes it so painful. We check what each of you means rather than assuming we already know. This gives us a clearer starting point than another argument about whether the reaction was justified.
When trying to be heard makes it harder to listen
You may repeat yourself because your partner does not seem to understand. Your voice becomes firmer. You bring up another example to show why this matters.
Your partner hears mounting criticism and starts defending themselves—or withdraws.
Now you feel even less heard.
I help slow down that exchange while it is happening. We look at what you are trying to communicate, what your partner is hearing and how each response affects what comes next.
Perhaps the concern needs clearer words. Perhaps it has already been expressed clearly, but has not been acknowledged. Those are different situations, and they need different responses.
The aim is to help the important part of the conversation reach your partner without getting lost in another familiar argument.
When listening feels like accepting blame
You may understand the advice to “listen before responding” and still find it almost impossible when your partner describes you in a way you feel is unfair.
Perhaps you interrupt to explain yourself. Your partner feels dismissed and becomes more forceful. You feel even less able to listen.
In a session, I help you separate understanding your partner’s experience from agreeing with every interpretation.
I may help one of you put the hurt into clearer words, then give the other space to take it in without having to abandon their own experience. We can clarify what has been misunderstood and make room for both perspectives without rushing past the original concern.
Sometimes the useful moment is a quiet pause. A partner has heard something differently and takes time to reflect before replying.
That pause gives us something to build on.
When a break feels like being abandoned
One of you wants to stop the conversation because it feels overwhelming. The other wants to continue because stopping feels like being shut out again.
Both may be trying to make the situation more manageable, yet each person’s response makes things harder for the other.
Simply telling you to “take a break” may miss what is happening between you.
In counselling, we explore what happens when a conversation stops. Does someone leave without explanation? Does the issue ever get discussed again? Does one partner follow because previous pauses have become days of silence?
We can then work out how to pause in a way that gives space while keeping a clear commitment to return.
We also practise how to restart. Coming back matters just as much as stepping away.
When you know the advice but cannot use it together
You may have read books, watched videos or tried communication exercises.
Some ideas may help when things are calm. During an argument, you may find yourselves correcting each other’s technique:
“You’re supposed to use ‘I’ statements.”
“You’re not listening properly.”
“That’s not what the exercise says.”
Now the exercise has become another disagreement.
In sessions, I pay attention to how an approach is working for the two of you. If an exchange sounds rehearsed, leaves someone feeling dismissed or keeps leading to the same impasse, we pause and explore why.
We can work with one recent disagreement, one difficult sentence or one response that keeps getting in the way. You have support to practise, clarify and try again while the difficulty is still in the room.
The purpose is to help you find a way of talking that feels meaningful and that you can begin using in everyday life.
When the real problem needs action
A calmer conversation can help you understand each other. It cannot do the household work, keep a financial agreement or end concealed contact with another person.
Sometimes an argument keeps returning because the situation has not changed.
I help couples distinguish between a misunderstanding, a genuine difference and a commitment that is repeatedly being broken.
If one partner is carrying an unfair share of the responsibilities, we need to address that. If someone has caused harm, understanding their feelings does not remove their responsibility for what they did.
Our work includes clear agreements and follow-through. We look at what needs to happen differently, whether it is happening and what gets in the way.
Where betrayal is central to the conflict, you can read more about counselling after an affair and rebuilding trust.
Where there is abuse, coercive control or fear, safety comes first. Please let me know before arranging a joint appointment so we can consider an appropriate starting point.
Do we have to resolve every difference?
You may approach money, family, affection or time alone differently. Some of those differences may remain even as your relationship improves.
The Gottman Institute reports that approximately 69 per cent of relationship problems in its research were recurring, or “perpetual”, rather than fully resolved.
That shifts the question from “How do we finally make this difference disappear?” to “How can we understand it and handle it with more care?”
In counselling, we explore what matters to each of you and where there is room to move. One partner’s preference for frequent family gatherings, for example, may sit alongside the other’s need for rest and private time together.
We work towards arrangements that take both seriously.
Recurring differences do not mean you must accept dishonesty, intimidation or repeated disregard for an agreement. Those require attention to responsibility and behaviour.
Read the Gottman Institute’s research overview.
How will we know the sessions are helping?
Progress needs to mean something in your life outside the counselling room.
You may become able to raise a concern without spending days preparing for the reaction. Your partner may begin acknowledging the hurt before explaining their intentions. You may recover from a disagreement sooner, or find that an agreement is finally being kept.
These are examples of changes we can look for together.
We discuss what each of you wants to be different and review what is happening between appointments. If an approach is not helping, we explore that rather than simply asking you to keep repeating it.
I use the Gottman Method as my main framework for couples work, supported by Solution-Focused Brief Therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy where helpful.
Read more about how I use the Gottman Method in couples counselling.
What happens in your first appointment?
Your initial appointment gives us up to 90 minutes to understand what has been happening and begin working together.
We explore the concerns you keep returning to, what you have already tried and what you hope will change. As time allows, we also begin working on one specific difficulty—perhaps slowing down a tense exchange, helping you express something that has been hard to say or finding a practical way to ease some of the pressure.
You do not need to prepare a shared explanation or decide who will speak first. I will guide the conversation and help us identify a useful starting point.
Where individual meetings form part of couples counselling, I explain their purpose and confidentiality arrangements beforehand. Separate individual counselling remains a distinct stream of work.
What if my partner is unsure about coming?
Your partner may worry about being blamed, feel uncomfortable discussing private matters or doubt whether talking will change anything.
It can help to describe what you want support with: “I don’t want us to keep ending up here. I’d like us to get some help with these conversations.”
If your partner is not ready, you can seek individual counselling to understand your experience, clarify your needs and consider your next steps.
Coming alone does not make you responsible for changing both sides of the relationship.
Where there is abuse, coercive control or fear of a partner, please let me know before arranging a joint appointment so we can consider an appropriate starting point.
You can care about each other and still need help
Repeated arguments can wear down the warmth between you. You may begin avoiding the very conversations you need to have, simply because you cannot face another difficult evening.
Counselling gives you time and support to work on what has become hard to manage together.
We can begin with the conversation you keep struggling to have and help you find a more useful way forward.
I welcome married and unmarried couples, including gay and lesbian couples. Appointments are available at my Rocca Balestier practice in Singapore and through online couples counselling.
The initial appointment is S$400 for up to 90 minutes. Follow-ups are S$250 per one-hour appointment block, including approximately 50 minutes of counselling. No GST is charged. The first hour is charged in full. Any additional time is agreed beforehand and charged in 15-minute increments at S$62.50 per increment.
View counselling fees and packages, or contact me about an appointment.
Meet Our Counsellor
Cassandra Chiu
Marriage and Relationship Counsellor
Registered Counsellor with the Singapore Association for Counselling
Cassandra Chiu is a Registered Counsellor with the Singapore Association for Counselling, with over 15 years’ experience supporting individuals and couples. She holds a Master of Social Science in Professional Counselling from Swinburne University of Technology, is a Master Solution-Focused Practitioner and a Certified Solution Focused Practitioner in Therapy, and has completed Gottman Method Couples Therapy Level 1 and Level 2 training. Her approach is warm, direct and purposeful, with clear goals and progress reviewed together. Read more about Cassandra’s background and approach.
